In a move no one saw coming (or wanted), Warner Bros. has announced a full-length Roblox movie starring none other than aikido enthusiast and whisper-acting legend Steven Seagal. Yes, that Steven Seagal. The guy who fought the mob in “Hard to Kill” and allegedly runs like he’s carrying invisible shopping bags.

Sources close to the project claim Seagal was a “natural choice” for the lead role, which is reportedly a wise old Robloxian named Blokk Sensei, who guides a group of noobs through a cursed obby designed to delete them from existence.

From Straight-to-DVD to Straight into the Metaverse

Seagal, 72, will be doing full motion capture for the film—though producers have clarified that “full” in this case means he’ll be sitting on a stool in a mocap suit, sipping green tea, and occasionally nodding.

“We really wanted to lean into his strengths,” said director Kyle Render, who previously worked on three Sharknado spin-offs and a mobile game ad. “Steven brings a… stillness to the role. A kind of frozen wisdom.”

“We must dethrone Minecraft,” was the only comment made by Seagal.

Roblox: The Cinematic Universe You Deserve

The film, tentatively titled “Roblox: Blox Puncher”, is said to blend genres: action, coming-of-age, spiritual thriller, and very unintentional comedy. Test screenings have reportedly left viewers “confused but hyped,” especially when Seagal’s avatar fights a bacon-haired villain using only his mind and a surprisingly accurate fart emote.

Merch, Microtransactions, and Mayhem

Naturally, a full merch drop is planned. Expect limited-edition Seagal Skins, a virtual dojo experience narrated by a half-interested AI clone of the man himself, and a premium Blokk Sensei bundle that costs more than a real martial arts class.

Warner Bros. is already teasing sequels, spin-offs, and even a crossover with the canceled Batgirl movie. Because why not? Logic clearly left the chat when they casted for the lead role.

Disclaimer: We think the movie and marketing material was made by Ai. We asked the director and he said, “I won’t confirm that, but most of our budget went to casting.”

Stay tuned for more updates on Steven Seagal’s career.