In an unexpected and frankly terrifying twist, Nintendo has unveiled a new policy at a press conference today that sent shockwaves through the gaming world. The company, notorious for its iron grip on intellectual property, has announced a drastic new measure: individuals who violate the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) by sharing or modifying Nintendo’s content will now be detained and forced into indentured servitude to Nintendo for the rest of their lives. Yes, for life.

While Nintendo is no stranger to DMCA takedowns (they’ve been on a tear with content creators for years), this new strategy is a whole new level of authoritarian. A Nintendo spokesperson, looking disturbingly calm while delivering this bombshell, explained the plan in detail.

The New Order: “For Your Own Good”

The spokesperson, who was flanked by security guards and a suspiciously large stack of legal papers, opened the press conference with a chilling announcement. “At Nintendo, we’ve always believed in the sanctity of our intellectual property,” they began. “But now, it’s time for us to take things to the next level. No more warnings. No more takedowns. If you violate our DMCA, you will pay the price. And that price is your freedom.”

In this shocking new policy, anyone found guilty of violating Nintendo’s copyrights will be “detained” immediately and “indentured” to Nintendo for life. The terms of this servitude are unclear, but the spokesperson assured the press that it would involve “unpaid labor in the name of Nintendo’s future success.”

“We’re taking a more direct approach to copyright enforcement,” the spokesperson continued. “Why spend money on legal fees and lawsuits when we can just… keep people working for us? It’s more efficient and, frankly, more fun.”

What Does “Indentured Servitude” Actually Mean?

While the specifics of the indentured servitude plan remain vague, a few details have emerged. Those found guilty of DMCA violations will be sent to one of Nintendo’s “retirement facilities,” where they will be forced to work in various capacities for the company—without pay, of course. This includes tasks such as “game testing,” “customer service,” and “collecting rare Amiibo figurines” (which, apparently, involves a lot of dusting and cataloging).

“The work won’t be glamorous,” the spokesperson explained with a smile that bordered on unsettling. “But it will be essential to Nintendo’s continued dominance in the gaming world. The labor will help ensure that our future projects, like Super Mario Bros. 85 and The Legend of Zelda: Time Travel, are delivered on time and without any pesky fan-made mods slowing things down.”

When asked how this plan would affect the legal landscape, the spokesperson simply replied, “We’ve already got that covered. No need for lawyers when you have our independent contractors working around the clock. It’s a win-win, really.”

Gamers React: Outrage, Fear, and Cautious Agreement?

Unsurprisingly, the gaming community is absolutely freaking out. Some are outraged at the idea of people being forced into unpaid labor for the rest of their lives, while others are eerily calm, suggesting that perhaps this is the way things should have been all along.

“I’ve always wanted to work for Nintendo, but I never thought it would be like this,” tweeted one fan. “Maybe I should go on and share that ROM I downloaded last year just to see what happens.”

Others aren’t so sure. “This is insane,” another user posted. “They can’t just take people’s lives like that. What if I made a fan game and didn’t even know it violated the DMCA? Are they going to detain me for playing Super Mario World on my emulator?”

But not everyone is upset. A small but vocal group of fans has praised Nintendo’s new policy, claiming that it will finally give people a chance to “truly appreciate the value of Nintendo games.”

What About Content Creators?

For YouTubers, streamers, and modders who make their living off Nintendo content, the announcement has sparked widespread panic. The new policy applies not just to illegal ROMs and fan-made games, but to anyone who uses Nintendo content without permission—meaning streamers and content creators could find themselves facing life sentences of unpaid work for the crime of playing a Nintendo game.

Nintendo has yet to clarify how the policy will be enforced, but the spokesperson assured the press that the company “has eyes everywhere,” and that no one would be getting away with piracy or DMCA violations under this new regime.

“We’ve already been watching,” the spokesperson said cryptically. “Now, we’re just taking the next logical step. If you’ve posted a YouTube video of yourself playing Zelda without our permission, you’re already on our radar. If you’ve modded Mario Kart 8? You’re already a contractor.”

The Future of Gaming: Total Control

While some are still holding out hope that this announcement is some sort of elaborate joke or satire, there’s no denying that Nintendo has gone full throttle in their pursuit of total control over their intellectual property. Whether this new approach will be the last nail in the coffin for independent creators or just another bizarre footnote in gaming history is anyone’s guess.

But one thing is certain: Nintendo is no longer just protecting their brand—they’re now actively enslaving anyone who dares cross them.

Stay tuned for more updates or don’t. I’m not your boss.