In an exclusive interview held inside a slowly burning arcade cabinet, developers of Tekken 8 expressed confusion over what they described as “vague and mysterious” fan backlash to the newly released Season 2 update.

“People keep saying things like ‘you ruined my main’ and ‘this game is unplayable now,’” said one dev while nervously rearranging a stack of Feng buffs. “But we worked really hard to give Kazuya 17 new combo starters and a mid that tracks sidesteps and crushes lows. Isn’t that what people want?”

The Great Nerfening

Players of the game’s more “honest” characters—like King, Lidia, and anyone not named Devil Jin, were surprised to find their toolkits accidentally replaced with very close range jabs that can’t land. Meanwhile, Asuka players have entered the third stage of grief after discovering her new Rage Art is just an on screen message that says “you tried.”

“I don’t know what everyone’s so upset about,” said another dev. “We’ve added a new system that rewards perfect spacing, punish timing, and knowledge. If you’re bad at it, maybe try getting better?”

Patch Notes or pure Art?

The official patch notes, released via a 37-page PDF with no hyperlinks or formatting, have been described by fans as “slop” and “probably AI-generated.” Highlights include “adjusted hit box behavior during emotional distress” and “enhanced HP drain during a real life crash out.”

“I don’t even know what I read,” said one Reddit user. “My main feels like they’ve gone through a mental breakdown and has forgotten how to anti-air.”

Balancing Philosophy: Just a Vibe

Despite the backlash, the devs remain committed to their unique balance methodology, which is reportedly based on rock-paper-scissors and a rotating lunch schedule.

“Every character is strong in their own way,” the lead designer clarified. “Some are strong in terms of frame data, others in terms of emotional connection with the player. We just want everyone to feel something.”

When asked whether fans can expect changes soon, the devs replied, “We’re monitoring feedback closely, just not from Twitter, Discord, or ranked matches. That stuff is too negative.”

Enjoy seeing more Bryan and Lars than ever. Stay tuned for Season 2.1, where Lars might get a teleport.