The Stench of Conflict

Store employees, already bracing for impact, watched in horror as a mass of grown men in anime t-shirts and cargo shorts descended upon the trading card aisle like a swarm of hungry, slightly musty locusts. Within seconds, boxes of booster packs were torn from shelves with the same desperation one might expect at a Black Friday TV sale.

“I smelled them before I saw them,” said one traumatized customer. “It was like an abandoned gym locker had come to life and learned how to scream about PSA grading.”

Battle of the Basement Dwellers

Tensions boiled over when two collectors—one clutching a Charizard Ultra-Holographic Cash Cow and the other hoarding five booster boxes—locked eyes in a primal display of dominance. What began as an exchange of passive-aggressive scoffs quickly escalated into a full-scale grappling match that took down an entire display of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in the process.

“They were rolling on the floor, winded after like ten seconds,” said an employee who had long since given up trying to break up these encounters. “It was less ‘epic battle’ and more ‘two exhausted dads play-wrestling before they pull something.’”

eBay Dreams and Crushed Souls

By the time order was restored (thanks to a brave employee threatening to cancel all online pre-orders if the brawling continued), the shelves were stripped bare. Victorious scalpers, drenched in sweat and triumph, waddled toward self-checkout, already calculating how much they could gouge desperate collectors online.

Meanwhile, actual Pokémon fans, some of whom simply wanted a single pack to enjoy, were left empty-handed. “I just wanted a Pikachu,” said one dejected child, stepping over the crumpled remains of a grown man sobbing into his unopened Elite Trainer Box.

The Cycle Continues

Despite the chaos, history will undoubtedly repeat itself when the next shipment arrives. Target employees have reportedly petitioned corporate to move all trading cards next to the soap aisle in an effort to curb future incidents, though experts predict the target audience remains immune to such deterrents.

Until then, the battle for Pokémon supremacy rages on, fought not with powerful creatures, but with raw entitlement and questionable hygiene.